The voice agreed to help, even though the voice sounded like Joshua was interrupting a life-saving transfusion. “Please stand behind me and hold my shoulders. Then, put your knee in the small of my back, and, very slowly — I repeat, very slowly — pull until I’m straight.”
The voice went behind him, grasped his shoulders, put his knee in Josh’s back, and pulled. As Josh straightened up, he tried not to scream; soldiers aren’t supposed to scream when they’re in pain. At last, Josh was standing straight, and he was amazed to see that the voice belonged to a very tall, very wide MP. Josh was amazed, because while he was in the army, he came to believe that second lieutenants’ and MPs’ sole purpose in life was to make the lives of enlisted men as miserable as possible, but this MP helped him.
Josh wiped the tears from his eyes, thanked the MP, and asked him where he had to go to get discharged? The very large MP pointed to the discharge office. After thanking the MP, Josh took the duffel bag strap and walked toward the door. He got two feet away but was jerked back; the duffle bag didn’t move. Under the glare of the MP, Josh pulled with every ounce of strength he had, and dragged the bag to the office door. After the MP saw that the duffel bag and Josh were not going to clutter the hallway, the MP returned to his post. At the door, Josh stood behind another soldier who was waiting to be discharged and introduced myself. He was the first soldier Josh had ever seen with a beard. The man had been looking straight ahead but turned slowly and faced Josh, and, in a robot-like monotone, told Josh that his name was John Smith. The bearded soldier then turned away from Josh and seemed to stare into space. Being a friendly soul, Josh continued to talk to him. Actually, Josh talked to the back of the man’s head. “So, have you been in the Army a long time?” Josh asked him.
Again, very slowly, the man turned and faced Josh. Again, in a robot-like monotone, he answered with one word. “Forever.” The man asked Josh if he had any more questions.
Josh took advantage of the opportunity. “I didn’t know the Army let soldiers have beards.”
John paused for a moment and said the Army doesn’t allow soldiers to have beards. Josh couldn’t resist. He asked the man why he was allowed to have a beard. The man took a deep breath and paused. Then, he told Josh that he had a beard because nobody was supposed to recognize him, because he was top, top, extra secret.
Josh was intrigued. “Uh, what did you do while you were in the care of the Army?”
John answered in a matter-of-fact, unemotional tone “I was in the CDC, CIA, NSA, BBL, REM, PMS, UPS, SEALS, GPS, and Special Forces.”
Josh was really impressed. “Special Forces and SEALs. Wow. I’d heard of SEALs and Special Forces but not the others. “Boy, you must be the one-man army I’ve heard about.”
John was flattered but felt compelled to explain that he was not quite a one-man army. “Actually, I was trained primarily to be lethal. See these index fingers? I can kill a man twenty-two different ways with each one.”
Josh’s jaw dropped. “Wow. How would you kill a man if your index fingers didn’t work?”
John stared at him. “If I told you, I would have to kill you,” he said coldly.
“I guess I don’t really have to know that. Uh, is it true that men like you can jump off mountains?”
John actually chuckled. “That’s an exaggeration. The truth is I can jump off tall cliffs but not mountains. Basically, I was taught how to survive no matter where I was. For example, I was dropped by helicopter into a swamp and left there for three weeks with only a knife. To survive, I had to live on snakes.”
“Say, is it true that snakes taste like chicken?”
“No. Snakes taste like snakes.”
A voice from inside the discharge office bellowed for the next person to come into the office. John actually smiled and went in. The office door wasn’t closed, so Josh heard everything that was said.
“Stand at ease, soldier.” There was a pause. “Say, you have a beard. The Army doesn’t allow soldiers to have beards. Why do you have a beard?” the officer asked in a less-than-friendly tone.
There was silence for a moment, and John asked, “Do you have a top, top extra secret clearance?” There was silence for a moment. Then Josh heard John ask, in a threatening tone, if the officer knew that a person’s index finger wasn’t used just for dialing a phone number. Again, there was a moment of silence. “You don’t see a beard, do you?”
“Beard? What beard? Uh, let’s move on, okay? If it’s not too much trouble, would you mind telling me your name?”
“John Smith.”
“John Smith. Of course. Let me look for your folder. Ah, here it is. Uh, it has a lock on it. Isn’t that interesting? Uh, well, uh, heck, uh, I don’t have to look in your folder, do I?”
“No, you don’t,” John said in his serious, monotone voice.
“Uh, um, uh, now, I have to ask you. Would you like to…to…re…re…reenlist?”
“I would rather die,” John said calmly.
“Yes, of course, I understand. I’ll just sign this and you can be on your way.”
John came out of the office and stopped to talk to Josh.
“Josh, do you think there are jobs out there for people who can kill a person twenty-two different ways with one finger?”
“Sure, plenty of jobs. Don’t you worry.” Josh said reassuringly.
“Thanks, Josh. Bye,” he said and left.
Josh was next. “In a little while I was going to be free; broken, but free,” he thought as he looked at his duffel bag and wondered how he was going to carry it to freedom.
Again, a voice bellowed for the next person, so Josh entered dragging his duffel bag and stood at attention in front of the officer, who told him to stand at ease, which he did. One always did what an officer told one to do. Josh found myself staring; it was the officer who was in his nightmare. It was the one who wouldn’t let him out.
The officer glared at Josh and spoke. “Do you know that your left shirt pocket is unbuttoned? Do you know that? All buttons are supposed to be buttoned. Everybody in the Army knows that. Button it.”
As he quickly buttoned his buttons, he got a sick feeling deep in his mangled stomach that the officer wasn’t going to let him out. Josh thought he was going to cry.
About Saul Greenblatt
One Comment
Greetings from a fellow member of R-12-85 from long ago. Hope you are well. Looks we have outlived a couple of conflicts and as hard as it tried, the Army didn’t do us in. Be well.