What It Means to Me to Have a Brain Tumor
By Becca Henry

It means faking a smile when I feel like dying.
It means going to the hospital alone and
hyperventilating inside the MRI machine.
It means thanking God each morning that I have another day
and cursing him for all the pain I have to go through.
It means needles and surgeries every 3-4 months.
It means waking up and asking “Wonder what will happen today?”
It means not taking things for granted, like a college education.
It means making out my will at age 19.
It means I am scared constantly.

It means wanting to give up and wanting to go on.
It means wanting to rush through life; afraid
I will not live much longer.
It also means wanting to take things slow and normal.
It means having 4 pins drilled into my head
going through radiation.
It means wanting to love a certain man
and tell him how I feel but I am too scared.

It means going to work when I feel ill
with a braintumor headache.
It means getting up at 3 am to throw up my guts.
It means worrying the tumor is cancerous and will spread.
It means wondering if they will ever be able to take out
the “inoperable” tumor.

It means worrying about my vision and if I am a threat
to others on the road.
It means making payments each month on a cemetery plot.
It means telling my Mom it will be OK when I die.
It means getting no emotional support from my father.
It means having to rush through my last college semester
so I won’t lose the medical insurance.
It means going through a lot of shitty doctors til
I find the right one!

It means learning to give myself some time.
It means loving life and hating it.
It means not lifting anything over 10lbs or pushing
anything over 20lbs because it might kill me.
It means not being able to play
any contact sports -- like soccer, my favorite game.

It means having a family that will not
talk about my illness if I am doing bad, but will talk
about my illness if I am doing good.
It means being scared while waiting for test results
but no one seems to care.
It means having short hair as a result of brain surgeries.
It means enjoying the innocence of a child and loving
how they love life.
It means trying to find a job -- no one will hire me
since I have a brain tumor.
It means never being able to believe I made it to age
21 since the diagnosis was made 2 yrs and 1 month ago.

It means spending hours looking at medical textbooks
to see if anything at all relates to my case.
It means knowing all the nurses by first name
on the neurosurgery wing.
It means having my mother push me to be normal
when I cannot be -- I will always have a brain tumor.
It means being dependent on my father
when I hardly know him.
It means growing up faster than others my age.

It means losing friends and gaining new ones.
It means strength and weakness.
It means death, life, and LOVE…

It means having a dog who loves me for me.