Adventures in Hair Dying
By Mary Matus

Apparently, you have to be a rocket scientist to dye your hair.

I came to this conclusion reading over the directions as I was about to dye my hair red several weeks ago.

It wasn't the first time I’d attempted to dye my hair red. (Key word being "attempted.") When I was in college, I decided (like a lot of people probably do in college) that I needed a change. So after a couple of years of toying with the idea of becoming a red head, I finally went out and bought some hair dye.

The experiment was not as successful as I'd hoped.

Well, actually, it looked red, kind of, when I was in bright light. Otherwise, there was some squinting required. My one friend commented (while squinting), "Oh, you dyed you hair. It's chestnut, right?" I responded, as calmly as I could, "No. It's not chestnut. It's red."

But several people did notice when I walked into the somewhat bright lights of my school newpaper's office. My friends started saying, "Hey, you dyed your hair." My reaction was "Well, actually, it was red when we were upstairs in the cafeteria 10 minutes ago, but yeah, I did."

So, when I finally decided to try it again about a month ago, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. Of course, if it didn't come out too well, Plan B was to carry around spotlights to shine on my head so I could say "No. Look, really, it's red!"

At the drug store, I looked through the row of hair dye boxes, with several different shades of red in several different brands of dye.

The pictures on the boxes are not usually much help when trying to figure out what color your hair will turn out to be. The girls on the front of the boxes are apparently the result of dying platinum blonde hair. But my hair is not platinum blonde. It is medium brown. So I'm standing in the drug store, trying to look at the little chart on the side to see what result I might get.

After buying the dye, I warned a few of my co-workers what I was about to do. One told me I shouldn't worry about how it would turn out and that I should just go for it. Although I replied calmly that it wasn't the first time I had attempted to dye my hair, I didn't explain my secret theory that there is something you could do to make your hair turn green. (I also have this secret theory that there is a secret combination of keys on the computer you can press to cause it to spontaneously combust.)

Reading the directions on hair dye is always a fascinating experience for me. They are nice enough to give you your own set of gloves - as if you're going into surgery or something. "Paging Dr. Matus!"

Of course, the dye is not ready to go when you buy it. You have to mix bottle A into applicator B. It warns you that if you do this step too early, the mixture will, apparently, explode. This of course begs the question. "What kind of stuff am I putting on my hair???"

Needless to say, I was watching the clock very closely, as it said the dye had to be on for exactly 20 minutes. I was afraid to think what would happen if I kept it on too long. Would my hair start smoking? Or would I just spontaneously combust?

Of course, the whole process of applying the dye took about an hour, because apparently there is enough dye in the bottle for two Crystal Gayles with hair down to their feet. My hair, however, is not even shoulder length. But it emphasizes that you have to use EVERYTHING in that bottle. I'm not sure what happens if you don't. Maybe it spontaneously combusts or something. So, by the time I used up all the dye in the bottle, my head is a good 5 pounds heavier.

I am happy to report, that after all that, the experiment was very successful. I am now a redhead.

I realized this when I walked into work the following Monday and heard several exclamations of "Oh my God, you dyed your hair!!"

Needless to say, I was ecstatic that it come out so nice. Those spotlights would have been awfully heavy.