I felt my hands shake as I punched the numbers. Was this fear and trembling? Or delirium tremens? I wasn't sure. But I had serious doubts about my angel when I remembered he had also predicted a Cubs/Red Sox World Series in my lifetime.

To my surprise, the call went through. There was a pick up on the third ring. My heart felt like it decided to stop backing up the rest of my body and do a solo.

"Thank you for calling God," a reassuring female voice said. "The King of the Universe is busy right now, but your call is important to Him."

"Damn," I said aloud, regretting my language immediately. It's a recording. If my call is so important to Him, why doesn't he hire more angels to deal with the volume? You'd think He would have outsourced the work by now. Maybe I wasn't taking this seriously, I thought.

"Please listen to the following message as our options have changed."

I wondered momentarily what changing options might mean in the cosmic sense, but I decided to stop being a smart ass. After all, this could be for real, and in a few minutes I might be talking to Almighty God.

"If this is an emergency, please press one."

I decided to let that one go. After all, I didn't want to jump ahead of a refugee from the Sudan.

"If you'd like God to save the life of a child or other family member, please press two."

Hey, that's heavy, I thought. I continued listening.

"If you're worried about a hurricane, earthquake, tornado or other natural disaster, please press three."

There must be a hell of a line for that one. I can always watch the Weather Channel.

"If you're calling about a personal crisis, please press four."

I figured my hangover or whether or not to go with a Roth IRA didn't qualify, so I listened to some more options. However, none included, "If you just want to chat with the Big Guy and see what He's been up to, maybe get his take on the recent American presidential elections or the upcoming football season, hold on and He'll get with you as soon as He can." So I decided to hang up.

I didn't need to speak with Him at this point in my life. I figured a lot of other people needed Him much more than I did. Besides, I needed a shower really bad.