A Gas Grows in Brooklyn
By Dean Borok
The debate over Global Warming heated up over a confidential report
that warns of an impending disaster caused by flatulence being released
from the butts of fat people in Brooklyn.
This crisis could raise the earths temperature by as much
as 50 degrees, asserted Anton B. Schmucklevitch, director of The
Methane Institute in Washington, D.C. When calzone combines with
Chinese egg rolls in the intestines of fat people, a noxious gas is
produced that dissolves the ozone layer in the atmosphere and produces
a greenhouse effect capable of obliterating all life on earth.
Fat people are particularly hazardous because of their increased gas
producing capacity. The average bus driver is capable of producing
one thousand times more methane from one can of Cheez Whiz than a fashion
model snacking on a Power Bar, asserted Schmucklevitch. We
must act now to protect future generations from suffocation.
An additional hazard to Brooklyn residents is that drivers of SUV vehicles,
who favor the large-size cars because of their increased capacity to
accommodate fat butts, are sometimes subject to gas attacks which force
them forward in their seats, resulting in their feet pressing down on
the accelerator and causing the vehicle to run up on the sidewalk, crashing
into pedestrians and store fronts and putting grandmothers and small
children at risk.
Many proposals have been put forward to combat the flatulence crisis
in Brooklyn. One concept, designed by Continental Pipeline Corporation,
which markets natural gas, is to distribute Gas Collection Kits to all
people with large backsides. The kits, designed by Hyman P. Buttman,
consists of a plastic tube which fits snugly in the rectum, attached
to a balloon which collects the gas. The ingenuous element of
this invention is the patented computerized valve that control the flow
of gas from the users butt and prevents leaks into the atmosphere,
proudly asserts Buttman. That should make the morning commute
of transit riders much more pleasurable."
Naturally, pants would have to be widened to accommodate the ever-expanding
volume of gas, which would be collected at conveniently located collection
centers. Is the fashion industry up to the challenge of making attractive
plus-size styles that could accommodate an ever-expanding bag of gas
sticking out of a fat persons butt? We asked the eminent fashion
authority P.U. Tordley of Plus-Size Consultants. His idea? Bring back
the bustle, an eighteenth century fashion concept that accentuated womens
posteriors. Only instead of just having bustles in dresses, we
would put them in pants and shorts, even in bathing suits. That way
you would be designing ladies fashions that would be environmentally
responsible. As for the men, no real he-man from Brooklyn is going to
be thrown off his game by something as inconsequential as a bag of gas
sticking out his butt.
Could the volume of gas harnessed from the fat backsides of Brooklyn
have an effect on the nations balance of payments? It would
certainly be a plus factor for the economy, said Nutley Bagel
of The Treasury Board. We could eliminate shipments of liquefied
natural gas from Bolivia. Just think of it the Backsides
of Brooklyn wipe out a whole South American country. Thank you, Brooklyn!
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