I’ve come to a decision. I want to be a Duke. That’s my goal in life. No, I’m not reaching for royalty. My aspirations are lower -- actually, more Southern. I’m referring to Bo, Luke, Daisy and Uncle Jesse, the Dukes of Hazzard.

I had this realization during a discussion at work. I realized how much we were Children of the 80’s when we were discussing what kind of Dukes toys and action figures we had. “You had Roscoe? I would have loved to have had Roscoe!” While feeling nostalgic, I may have been a little frightened.

Really, what isn’t there to love about Hazzard County? Okay, I’m not really a country music fan, but it would be a small sacrifice.

First of all, you can drive as fast as you want. Sure, there are speed traps. Sure there are “police.” But have you have seen these yokels catch anyone?

Roscoe and Boss Hogg were too busy with their get-rich-quick schemes to worry about little things such as crime and law and order. Strangely, despite this, crime never seemed to run rampant. Maybe that’s because the good ole boys caught all the criminals themselves in what was usually a very cool chase scene. Let’s face it: they just don’t do chase scenes quite like that anymore.

We can‘t talk about the chase scenes without discussing those roads. You never realize how much you take for granted until you watch the Dukes -- like paved roads. I don’t think there was ever a paved road in the county. But I guess it would be less dramatic if there weren’t clouds of dust at the beginning of every chase scene. And speaking of things we take for granted, have you ever seen a bridge that wasn’t washed out. Pretty hard since it also NEVER RAINS in Hazzard.

I don’t think you’ll ever hear the phrase “The bridge is out. We’re gonna have to jump” as much as you do in Hazzard. I think they make jumping bridges a requirement on the driving exams in Hazzard.

On the other hand, maybe we should say those phrases more. Maybe you should say it from time to time when you’re driving with your friends. Especially if you’re driving with friends who are not from the area. And start revving the engine. See if you can freak them out.

Of course, you wouldn’t be able to actually jump a bridge in just any car. Look at all those who tried and humiliated themselves. No, you need a special car. You need the General Lee.

Maybe I just live in a conservative area, but I can’t say I’ve ever seen a car around my town decorated with the confederate flag, with a horn that plays Dixie or with the doors welded shut so you can look really cool getting in and out of it. I think if I ever tried getting in my car like that or even the cool “slide across the hood of the car” thing… Well, it would probably be ugly. Just call the ambulance first before I try, and save everybody a lot of time.

What would happen if we tried to have a car like the General Lee in rural Pennsylvania?

It wouldn’t have the Confederate flag on it. It would have some Pennsylvania Dutch art or an Amish horse and buggy.

Instead of playing Dixie, the horn would play a polka -- maybe the Beer Barrel Polka.

And it wouldn’t be named the General Lee. Let’s name it the William Penn -- Willie if you want to shorten it.

And you wouldn’t be running moonshine in this area. Now, shoofly pie and cider. There’s something to run. Though I would have to say the chases would be a little tougher. Even though we actually have paved roads, you’d have more potholes to navigate around. And if it was during the summer, you’d have a construction zone every five miles.

So, if you're ever driving around my neck of the woods and you suddenly hear polka music and then a loud crash, don’t be too surprised. That’s probably just me and Willie trying to jump a bridge.

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