By Dean Borok
This is Cabeza Roja, the Red who's a Head, comin' to you from WONDERFUL RADIO HAVANA! We're ninety miles from the Florida coast, puttin' out music dat's de most (baby)!
Our temperature's a balmy hundred and twelve in the shade here at the Havana Libre Hotel in beautiful downtown Havana. Looking out over Liberation Plaza, I can see crowds forming at the entrance of the 22nd Annual Bulgarian Tractor Exhibition, which will be featuring Rudi "Red Baron" Klopnik in his modified 1934 Volga Harvester, "Stalin's Revenge," battling Big Bertha Brezhnev, Soviet Mud Wrestling Champion for the fifth straight year. All you Radio Havana listeners be sure to stop by our Radio Havana booth, where you might win a trip to Angola!! Our mascot, Chairman Mao, will be rollerskating around the hall giving out free Radio Havana license plates to anybody he sees wearing a Radio Havana T-shirt. Once you've got a license plate, you can start figuring out how to get your hands on a car!! If you figure that one out, let me know!
Well, I just got back from a beautiful weekend of chopping sugar cane with the comrades down in Oriente Province, and I saw a lot of volunteers in the labor brigade wearing their Radio Havana T-shirts. Keep up the good work, muchachos!
Incidentally, the place to go down there is a hot little nightspot called Pepe's, featuring a band which had a monster hit a few years back, and now they've made some personnel changes and they're hoping to make a comeback. I'm talking about Yassar Arafat and the P.L.O. Only, now they've got Osama bin Laden on synthesizer and Ayatollah Khomeini on drums. Good luck, guys. I'm gonna' dedicate this next song, "Beirut Shuffle," to you.
The Sports Update just came in from José Marti Stadium, where after nine innings of play, the final score is Havana 6, Zambia 0. Maybe we should send some advisors over there, show those people how to play baseball. Incidentally, our Havana Giants won't be going on that exhibition tour of Vietnam. Seems that some Vietnamese players got caught in the dugout reading old copies of the "Wall Street Journal" that were left behind by the Americans, and the whole team has been sent back for what the management terms "indefinite Spring training." Hope you guys learn your lesson! I'll be back after this important message:
Back again, comrades. That was our Fearless Fidel addressing the Congress of Beet Harvesters a couple of days ago. There was a bomb scare during the convention. Somebody from the Iraqi delegation misplaced one of his bombs and it took him an hour to find it and put it back in his briefcase. Those guys ought to be more careful.
I just want to remind all you punkers out on the Isle of Pines to come out Saturday night, down to Patrice Lumumba Auditorium for the Anarchist Hop, featuring the Red Brigade and the Baader-Meinhof Gang. I don't want to be accused of spreading rumors, but word has it that Saddam Hussein might put in a surprise appearance!
Everybody here at the station wants to send out a Get Well to Muammar Khadafy, who had a skiing accident in Siberia, where he was on tour with his new band, The Muslim Fundamentalists. Seems our Bad Boy of Rock 'n' Roll has been making front pages all across the third world, which is not so hard once you think about it, because those newspapers only got one freakin' page! As you'll remember, he got into hot water with the Russian police for urinating on Lenin's Tomb. And then there was the time in Smolensk where he bit the head off a rabid water buffalo and had to be taken to the hospital for tests. Well, in this latest incident, one of Muammar's road managers managed to get ahold of an old Russian troop transport helicopter that he found in Afghanistan and was buzzing our boy on the slopes with it, only he didn't watch where he was flying and strayed too close to the Chinese border. Naturally, they shot him down, and one of the blades flew off and gave Khadafy a good shot in the head. Tough luck, Baby!
We have the results from yesterday's presidential elections: Castro, fourteen million, Opposition: one. Our Fearless Leader sure knows how to get out the vote!!!
Foreign Minister Ricky Ricardo just got back from Nueva York, where he addressed the United Nations. He says that there's rioting in the streets and mass starvation. Sounds like my house on a Saturday night! Next time he goes up there, maybe he can get me a good deal on a green card. Just kidding, comrades.
As you know, this is the thirtieth anniversary of the tragic plane crash which claimed the life of Chinese rockabilly superstar Lin Piao. He may be gone, but his music lives on, and this Sunday night between ten and eleven, Radio Havana will be playing a retrospective of Lin Piao's Greatest Hits, tracing his progress from his formative years on the Szechuan bar circuit, through his Comintern period, right up through the Cultural Revolution of the 1960s. All his greatest hits will be featured, like "Twenty Four Hours to Taiwan" and the unforgettable "Long March to Your Heart." Don't miss it!
All you boating enthusiasts should try to get up to the coast this weekend for the annual Mariel-to-Key West sailing regatta to give a hearty send-off to our team of criminals and mental defectives as they try to outrun the Haitian team past the U.S. Coast Guard blockade. First team to make it to the States will be awarded luxurious accommodations in a barbed wire refugee camp underneath the Miami Expressway. Florida Governor Jeb Bush will be there with a contingent of National Guard to award the trophy.
By the way, all our listeners in the Miami area will be interested to know that the Alpha 7 Exile Brigade will be holding try-outs in the Okeefenokee Swamp this weekend. Among the competitions to be featured will be: Dope Smuggling, Bragging to Reporters, Posing Heroically in front of a Cuban Flag for Photographers, and an essay contest on the theme of "Why I Would Like to Become a C.I.A. Operative." Finalists will get to join a guerilla team on the Nicuragua-Honduras border.
Well, that's all for today. Remember, anybody caught hoarding toilet paper will be shot.