Young Love
Arlan and Diana met at Freshman Orientation. She fantasized running her fingers through his thick, curly hair. He ogled her tight, round ass. By the end of their first week of classes, they shared breakfast at the Union every morning and dinner in the evening. A few weeks later, he mentioned that his roommate had dropped out, and no one had been assigned to his dorm room. She moved in, and they remained inseparable. Without ever really dating, they discussed marriage after graduation. Although their relationship seemed ideal, one thought tugged at the back of...
Read MoreThanksgiving
On the eve of Thanksgiving a woman phoned her sister-in-law to ask what she might contribute to their annual meal together. “You’re coming then, Amy?” asked the in-law. “I always come, Molly. We talked about it last week.” “Okay,” Molly said. “You don’t remember?” A pause ensued, then: “You come right along, Amy. Absolutely.” “How about if I bring a pie?” Amy asked. “Bring it, Dear,” Molly said. “Pies divide more democratically than any other dessert.” Pleased, Amy added...
Read MoreReading Between the Lines
His arrival was preceded by his reputation. Ziggy was a legendary hell-raiser. Not your old style boozer: the open a bottle of Scotch and throw away the top because it won’t be needed again. Ziggy was into everything. “Every day: four grams of coke, two bottles of tequila and a couple of six packs to wash it down,” he boasted on The Daily Show. “Why do you do it? Jon Stewart asked. “Is it some sort of crutch?” “Hell no. It gives me wings. Unnerstand what I’m saying, man?” “Weren’t you in the Betty Ford last year?” “Not for drugs, notfordrugs,” Ziggy sniffed. “I...
Read MoreBro, I’m Gonna Get My Serenity on So Hard!
(a prose apostrophe) It’s Friday night, dude. You know what that means. Meditation! Nothing better after a long week at work than centering your spirit through some wicked peaceful meditation techniques and then banging a chick’s aura. Don’t worry, man. I got it covered. I invited the ladies over to party tonight. I’ll play some sweet tuneage and set the thermostat to one-oh-five. It’s gonna get hot and steamy. Bikram Yoga, bitches! We’re going to do some deep stretching. You’re totally right. We have to pregame with some blazing. Let’s light...
Read MoreNever Again
The blue light rotated hypnotically and alternate shades of dark and light skittered across Jim’s face. I squirmed deeper into the leather passenger seat of his yellow Camaro, then briskly rubbed my thin face with both hands. I glanced into the passenger side-view mirror, but all I saw reflected there was the velvety night and superimposed white lettering that read, “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.” Fingers nervously drumming on my door’s instrument panel, I accidentally depressed a square, raised button. Somewhere deep inside the door, a mechanism groaned...
Read MoreThe Last Ant
The Extinction of Cook’s Bi-Articulated Hairy-Legged Carpenter Ant Edward must have known he was the last of his kind. As Dr. Peterson, head of the Moore Labs, was fond of saying, “Dying is easy; lifting 32 times your own weight is difficult.” Nonetheless, no ant has ever been as pampered as this remnant of an obscure subspecies, his handling due entirely to the unusual circumstances of his life and death. We learned from Peterson that normally males die immediately after fertilizing a queen, and many do not make it to sexual maturity in an endangered colony, as...
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